Whatever You Want Honey

I saw the title of a book several years ago that stated “Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds” by Sandra Aldrich and the funny thing is, I’ve quoted this title to my spouse about four hundred times in the last six or seven years.

The interesting thing about this is that my wife has the best possible memory of anyone I know, but she seldom remembers this quote.

I had to make this statement to segue into the topic just so you had a little background as to why this post is important to me and other men.

Tell Him What You Want

Ladies, in order to build a strong relationship with your hubby, communication is a MUST. It is not difficult to talk to your man, after all, you did court one another at the beginning of your relationship. I am certain that you communicated then. You likely even told your guy what you wanted and he probably responded accordingly. Gee, I wonder why?

But something, somewhere went awry. You started hinting around at things you wanted rather than telling him what it is. Your comments may sound like this, now:

• Have you seen the newspaper today?
• Ginny’s soccer practice gets out early today and Johnny’s t-ball coach is having a parent meeting after practice. I do not know if I can make both of them.
• Today I was thinking about that little Italian restaurant that we went to last May. I wonder if they ever finished their new dining area.
• My mom’s not feeling good this week.
• I am going to take a bath before bed tonight.

To women, and some REALLLLY in touch men, these statements are clear and they can pick up what you are trying to say. Your girlfriends are aghast. They probably responded with, “I guess [insert husband’s name here] just ignored you again, didn’t he?”

But, let us consider that most men cannot decipher subtle hints like the ones you dropped. Most lack the ability to read between the lines and merely think you are just making a statement, when you are actually making a request. Think about the guttural sounds they make when around their guy friends watching a game or hanging around the barbecue pit over some chicken, shrimp and steak searing to perfection. Remember the TV show “Home Improvement” and Tim’s ape grunts and calls. Yeah, that’s man talk there baby!

So, in order to talk to the guy who reverted back to his primal state, let us revisit the statements above and convert them to a language most men, really do understand.

• Have you seen the newspaper today?
  Should Be:
  Honey, would you check the porch and bushes to see if the paper arrived yet?
• Ginny’s soccer practice gets out early today and Johnny’s t-ball coach is having a parent meeting after practice. I do not know if I can make both of them.
  Should Be:
  Ginny’s soccer practice gets out early today and Johnny’s t-ball coach is having a parent meeting after practice. Can you pick up Ginny on your way home? She’ll be at the lower field next to the front gate of the school.
• Today I was thinking about that little Italian restaurant that we went to last May. I wonder if they ever finished their new dining area.
  Should Be:
  Today I was thinking about that little Italian restaurant that we went to last May. How about a date to Finici’s on Thursday night?
• My mom’s not feeling good this week.
  Should Be:
  My mom’s not feeling good this week. Would you mind if I spent the next couple evenings and this weekend taking care of her?
• I am going to take a bath before bed tonight.
  Should Be:
  I am going to take a bath before bed tonight. If you come to bed after I am done, you’ll get lucky.

Do you see the difference a few more words can make? I want to issue you a challenge. If your man is not responsive to your “normal” requests. Try to spell it out for him for a week. Be clear about your requests. Try to remember most men read newspapers, not minds.

One last tidbit of insight before I end this post. Do not nag. Guys HATE it. Appeal to his ego and sexuality and watch him jump through hoops for you. Here are some good ways to get your man to do what you want.

Give these a try:

• Honey, you are really good at finding things so would you check the porch and bushes to see if the paper arrived yet?
• Can you pick up Ginny from soccer practice on your way home? She’ll be at the lower field next to the front gate of the school. You could take her to the ice cream shop and have some father/daughter time after if you’d like.
• Today I was thinking about that little Italian restaurant that we went to last May. How about a date to Finici’s on Thursday night? Who knows where our little romantic evening could end up?
• My mom’s not feeling good this week. Would you mind if I spent the next couple evenings and this weekend taking care of her? Maybe we can get a baby sitter when I get back so I can pamper you too.
• I am going to take a bath before bed tonight. If you come to bed after I am done, you’ll get lucky. (You do not need to change this one.)

or some other ideas…

• I need the trash taken out and I just love to watch your biceps bulge when you do it.
• I need a big strong man to help bring in the groceries. Are you that man?
• I know you don’t like cleaning the gutters, but if you clean them today and get a shower, I’ll give you a [flirt, flirt] chest massage on the bed tonight.

Just be sure to keep your promises. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Otherwise he will feel rejected and then wind up ignoring even the most sultry requests. Good luck communicating!

[Unwittingly, as I was writing this post, my wife asked me what I was doing. After I told her, she told me what she wanted! ]

- D

When you are driving in the car and you get directions from the Navigator that conflict with what you know to be accurate directions, what do you do?

Let me explain a little further. You are traveling to a place that you have never been before. Your Navigator happens to be your wife (or significant other) and the directions that you printed from MapQuest do not “feel” right.

Do you:

1. Listen to what the Navigator says.
2. Be the Captain and have the Navigator stand down from their duties.
3. Ignore the Navigator and use your keen intuition.

There are two ways that this can play out. Correct directions from MapQuest (seldom correct, may I add) or Incorrect directions from MapQuest.

Correct directions:

1. If you listen to the Navigator then you get there and the only tension you have is your own because you felt like you had a “better way”.
2. If you take the directions from the Navigator you arrive at your destination, you feel slightly thwarted because the directions were actually correct and your Navigator doesn’t speak to you the rest of the day and you have to sleep in the Galley because Captain’s Quarters are “off limits”.
3. You ignored the Navigator and did your own thing. You arrived at your destination but you are much later than you anticipated and the Navigator is fuming. Your Navigator doesn’t speak to you the rest of the day and you have to sleep in the Galley because Captain’s Quarters are “off limits”.

Incorrect Directions:

1. If you listen to the Navigator and you arrived at your destination but you are much later than you anticipated, the Navigator is mad at MapQuest. You may be fuming at the Navigator for the delay, but it was out of their control, but you button your lip and say nothing with the exception of agreeing that MapQuest was wrong.
2. If you take the directions from the Navigator to try and figure it out on your own. You arrived at your destination but you are much later than you anticipated and the Navigator is fuming at MapQuest and you, and you have to sleep in the Galley because Captain’s Quarters are “off limits”.
3. You ignored the Navigator and did your own thing. You arrived at your destination but you are much later than you anticipated and the Navigator is fuming at MapQuest and you, and you have to sleep in the Galley because Captain’s Quarters are “off limits”.

The problem is, you do not know if the directions are correct to begin with, so how do you win each time?

Use Yahoo! Maps. And whatever you do, listen to the Navigator. You can never go wrong.

- D

I am going to be writing in generalizations, so be aware that what I am saying does not apply to everyone.

Ladies, there is so much focus on what men have to do to please, or at least “get along” with women that men get lost in a sea of estrogen. I am all for women’s lib. In fact, I believe that women can provide value in all areas of life and not just the domestic areas as stoic old fogies would have you think.

But let us consider the turn of events over the last thirty years. Women were considered 2nd class citizens, then liberation happened. Women gained rights and wanted to be treated equally. Men started treating women equally. As women became independent, they cared more for their careers and less for their families. Men resented the influx of women in business and showed less chivalry. Women gained power and authority. Men turned to pornography and prostitution as a way to feel more in control. Women resented it.

Over the last thirty years we have seen the tides change (most change is good). I believe that women ought to be treated equally, in most areas of life.

However, I do not believe that all women WANT to be treated equally.

Let me explain.

A woman still wants a man to support her. She still wants to have him open her car door (or any door for that matter). She still wants to feel secure in her man’s arms. She still wants to be taken care of. She still wants him to pay (even if they share the same bank account). She still wants to be treated like a woman.

So where does that leave men in this picture? Confused, that’s where! Thirty years ago, men still may not have had a clue, but at least there were boundaries. Now, there are no boundaries and we are still expected to understand what women want. How can that be?

So, ladies, here is my advice to you. If you want your man to “get you” you need to be willing to speak to him at his level of understanding.

At our core, men want a few basic things:

1. To be Respected (our feelings can get hurt when you disregard us as a piece of furniture)
2. To be Loved (emotionally, because we are emotional inside)
3. To be Made Love To (like you you once did, ya know… before kids)
4. To be Fed (we rarely cook, except over a pit)
5. To be Hugged (we like Mushy, we just hide it well)
6. To be Praised (feed the ego, just do not overfeed)
7. To be Heard (we are often dismissed in the chaos)
8. To be Given a List (we are methodical and enjoy crossing things off)
9. To be the Guy with the Best Looking Woman on His Arm (keep yourself looking good and we will too)
10. To be Your One and Only (we will not go or look elsewhere if the above are taken seriously)

Ladies, we do not care if you run the world, as long as you let us run it with you. After all, we are two halves that make the whole, not two wholes that make a half.

- D

It was 9 am on a Saturday morning. My wife, her BFF (Heather), my son (Kaleb) and I are sitting on Heather’s front porch drinking our morning jolt of caffeine and conversing about what we were going to do today.

My son is such a man with his hands down his pants. Heather said, “Get your hands out of your pants, it is not going anywhere. It’s a complex you men have.”

To which he replied, “Girls have Thingys, too.”

I guess to experience the whole story you have to know that my wife and I debated what to call the male and female body parts ever since my son was born. Because we were never able to give “them” names that were age appropriate, we just called it a “thingy“.

Then, I said, “No. Girls do not have Thingys.”

Kaleb replied, “Uhn ha. Let me see!”

Now, how do you explain the differences in anatomy to a curious five year old?

This is what stumbled out of my mouth, not that I endorse this explanation, nor do I know if this is the correct way to handle the situation properly, but it is what came out. So I suppose I have to live with the err of my morning mind and lack of caffeine coursing through my blood.

“Kaleb,” I blurted, “boys have ‘outies‘ and girls have ‘innies‘.”

To my surprise, Kaleb asked, “Oh, like when they are scared?”

We could not contain our laughter. For the next few moments the tears poured out.

When the laughter calmed down, I said, “No. they are ‘innies‘ all the time.”

Then he continued, “Why?”

Oh, that I could turn the clock back and replay this scenario in a much more eloquent way. I could have said, “Don’t worry about that, yet.” or “When you are old enough to understand, I will tell you about it.” or “Let’s ask Pastor Myron.”

Any of those responses would have been good.

But being the Christian and the wannabe scientist rolled into one, I responded with a retort, “Well, you see when a baby is growing in a mommy’s belly, God makes the baby either a girl or boy. If He wants the baby to be a girl, then she gets an ‘innie’. If He wants the baby to be a boy, he gets an ‘outie’.”

To my elation, this was enough to satisfy my son’s curiosity on the topic.

To give further background, we have found that the “Why” questions stop when we say, “Because God said so.” or “Because God made it that way.”

An example of this was recently when Kaleb asked why it rains. I told him all about the water cycle. (I know, this explanation of evaporation, condensation and precipitation is a little over his head, but I do not want to talk down to him. After all, he is an adult in training.)

He then repeats his question. Then I said, “Because God wanted to make it rain.”

Then I get the sweetest reply, “Oh, ’cause God said so. Like when you say, ‘Daddy says so?’”

Do you know that children bring the greatest pleasures in life. You just cannot help but smile.

Today is a day that the Lord made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! - Psalm 118:24

-

Today has been rough. I am not going to go into all the sordid details of my day, but I’ll give you an idea of what’s happening. It started late last night and continued through about 10 minutes ago.

The short of it is a friend’s dad is very ill, another friend is upset (I do not know that story, yet), another friend thinks I hate her because I failed to return an e-mail eons ago (JM - I love you, really!), a client is upset, a financial crisis hit, after 2 months of waiting my son still doesn’t have health insurance, I have piles of paperwork that is filling my desk, it’s too darn hot in my office, my cat scoops his food out of his bowl and decorates the floor with it, my wife is in a tizzy, her mouth is in pain cause I haven’t taken her to the dentist, my son is acting like he got sugar injections every half hour for the last week and it is all starting to kick in, let’s see…is there anything else?…Probably. But for now, isn’t that enough?!

On the lighter side, my dog, Sydnie, sits at my side to reassure me that all is well, because I am here.

It is this kind of thinking that I have missed in the stress of my day. My dog loves and treats me like I need to love and treat others; with quiet empathy, utmost love and adoration. MAN, did I miss the mark today! So, to those I’ve wronged, I love you I didn’t mean to hurt you. To those who are in pain, my heart goes out to you. To those I’ve neglected, I’m here. To those in financial troubles, do not worry, tomorrow takes care of itself. To those who have organization skills, I need you. To everyone, hug a neck of someone you love right now!!!!! You never know if you will ever see or talk to them again.

I am getting ready to take some time off, visit a friend, hug my son, cuddle with my wife and hopefully blow off some steam in the process. Wish me luck!

-D

P.S. I was serious about the hugging thing. Go do it, now.